“Are you doing this on purpose?”
That was my least favorite phrase growing up. It hurt every time I heard it. There wasn’t a “NO!” big enough to convey how out of control, how not-on-purpose my racing mind, easy agitation and boundless energy was. I was confused, embarrassed, frustrated – not attention-seeking, not acting out for fun.
Everyone who grew up with the ADD/ADHD brain type probably has a particular reprimand that still makes his or her stomach clench. Just those few words can convey so much pain, anger and regret, even decades later. Language is such a powerful part of who we are, and it should not be treated lightly, especially with children. Forget the old sticks and stones rhyme; the hurt from words can last much longer than a scrape or cut.
For non-ADD/ADHD brain type parents of an ADD/ADHD child, I ask you to watch your mouth. And for ADD/ADHD parents, I know that there have been times when you’ve heard your own parents’ cruel words jump out of your mouth instinctively in frazzled moments. In an ADD/ADHD family, there are undoubtedly days full of exhaustion, overreaction, and unruly behavior.
The key is not to get lazy about your language. Blurting out phrases like “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why do we have to go through this again?” might relieve stress in the moment and feel relatively meaningless (how often do you use a phrase like “Holy cow!” and actually think about the meaning?), but don’t forget that those words have consequences. If your children grow up with a constant soundtrack of those exclamations and reprimands, they will become accustomed to thinking of themselves as the mess-ups, the problem-causers, the trouble-makers. There’s no telling how deep the scars of negative self-image can go in a sensitive child.
It can take a lifetime to overcome a few years of belittling and bullying in childhood. I believe that anyone can eventually get to a place of self-respect, confidence and even forgiveness – but when it comes to your beautiful children, wouldn’t you rather skip that and never let them doubt their own worth?
